a harsh mistress

Oh Ethan from 90210. You were the surprise of the show, the boring jock that somehow became all kinds of awesome after your comic timing let you break free from your initial role as the boy rope in Annie and Crazy Naomi’s tug of war. I really liked when you got a man crush on the naughty streetracing boy and skipped school for the first time in your life. 

In the finale you kissed Silver, cuckolding Dixon and making all my 90210 dreams come true. Well, not all of them. If you had you would have killed Annie and Dixon, Drunkface would have her own clothing label making lycra dresses, and Mr Matthews would be sitting next to me as I write this.

And how do the producers repay you? By firing you and, I suspect, killing you off by having that open mouthed chipmunk run you over after a vodka binge. Well, actor that played Ethan, I’m still not sure if you were secretly talented or whether you were taking the piss the whole time, and for that I salute you with my now half-empty vodka bottle.

Here you are in happier times, getting a ‘pompino’ in your car before school.

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