In the finale you kissed Silver, cuckolding Dixon and making all my 90210 dreams come true. Well, not all of them. If you had you would have killed Annie and Dixon, Drunkface would have her own clothing label making lycra dresses, and Mr Matthews would be sitting next to me as I write this.

And how do the producers repay you? By firing you and, I suspect, killing you off by having that open mouthed chipmunk run you over after a vodka binge. Well, actor that played Ethan, I’m still not sure if you were secretly talented or whether you were taking the piss the whole time, and for that I salute you with my now half-empty vodka bottle.

Here you are in happier times, getting a ‘pompino’ in your car before school.

Despite it having the most annoying central family on TV and making every female character psychotically needy, I kind of love 90210. 

It is, after all, home to Mr Matthews the sexy hobo teacher. It is also, however, home to the most fascinatingly irritating facial expression I have ever seen – Shenae Grimes opening her mouth. 

Reaching the zenith of its power during the rendition/butchering of ‘Mama Who Bore Me (Reprise)’ from the wonderful Spring Awakening, her face after the 1:35 mark makes me want to punch the screen, and yet I can’t stop watching it. I’m obsessed. I need to know how it can make me want to claw my eyes out.

She’s the one with the long hair on the left, just in case you are somehow immune to the irritation and can’t tell.